AUGUST 2005
I grow tired of playing captive to my inferiors. The names may change, but the game is still monotonous. If not for my supreme loyalty to Lord Baal, I would have shed this farce and returned to my palace, my servants, and the luxurious life I deserve.
Instead, I sit here watching the days pass and observing the activities of those around me. With all of the attention that is devoted to "internal" concerns, it amazes me that anyone on this base can find the time to run around the galaxy meddling in the affairs of others. And yet meddle they do. I look forward to the day when their interference goes too far and they meet with a disaster too large to contain.
It is a measure of how insipid my situation has become when working on this column and answering your questions is a pleasurable activity. Many of you still have trouble grasping the concept of originality, but that seems to be part of human nature. However weak your own efforts may be, I will continue to offer my sagacious advice. Try to pay attention this time.
Do the Goa'uld have a conscience (which is obviously ignored) or is this only a human weakness? And since you claim to be a goddess, why have you not used your limitless divine powers to blink yourself out of captivity?
- Human from Earth
Ridiculous Human,
The Goa'uld would not be able to manifest our divine glory if we were to be bound by the primitive and inelegant concept you call a "conscience." Our guiding principles are too vast and transcendent for you to understand.
Your second question only proves once again how witless the Tau'ri are. I have explained this several times before, but now I will try to use small words of few syllables so that you may understand my motivations more clearly: I am here by choice. I will learn your ways. I will hear your plans. I will know where you are weak. I will find ways to destroy you. I will tell my Lord Baal. You will all die.
Is that clear enough for you? If there is still some confusion, I will do my best to arrange a demonstration. That will leave no doubt in your mind, if indeed you will have any mind left when I am through with you.
Dearest Sen'il,
I think that you need lessons to learn how to be happy. Did you know that being happy can be so much fun? And I don't mean the "I like to torture people because it makes me feel good," but rather the "helping people out makes me all warm and fuzzy inside," and "I love to spend time with friends and family" type of fun. One would think that if your status is as high as you claim, you would be above making lowly people suffer. Really, you should consider cuddling a puppy or a kitten instead. Taking care of an animal can be so gratifying.
- Savvy from My Happy Place
 "Go to your happy place" and do us all the favor by losing the key. |  |
I suggest that you return to your happy place and stay there. Who are you to determine what is and is not acceptable as fun? Who are you to decide the terms of my happiness? Enforcing my will on others is what makes me happy and I am not going to deny myself that pleasure. You strangle your beasts; I will strangle mine.
Why do you think Baal will just magically save you? Is he like your boyfriend or something? I mean, it's not like he's God.
- Chelsea from Portland, OR
My poor, misguided Chelsea,
Lord Baal does not need magic to save me because he is, in fact, a god. His powers are far-reaching and monumental and they will seem magical to uneducated creatures such as you. I am his greatest and most loyal agent. When I have completed my job here, he will take whatever steps he feels are necessary to return me to my rightful place by his side.
My relationship to my Lord is not open to discussion.
Dear Future Overlord of the Earth Sen'il,
My mate says that I do not perform adequately during romantic encounters in the chambers. She says that I just do not know how to please her. How do you recommend that I remedy this
problem?
- Greg from California
Dear Greg,
Find her a new mate. It is the only obvious solution, but I am not surprised that you were unable to think of it for yourself. You do not perform adequately at anything, do you?
My new friends in secondary school are great, don't get me wrong, but one of them is always making up new names for me that I hate! And then the rest of my friends are always copying her and writing it on desks and stuff! I feel so angry! And yet she doesn't care that she is incurring my wrath. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. I am SO ANGRY!
- Vicki D. from Dublin
Dear Victim D,
If your friends are calling you names, then how can you be sure that they are your friends? Either kill them for their impudence or admit that the name-calling is accurate and that you deserve to be ridiculed.
|  You think it's bad now, Victim D? Wait until the day I rule. |
It sounds as if the leader of your friends is commanding great loyalty from her troops. I commend her abilities.
Goddess Sen'il,
A dear friend of mine is currently out of my reach. She does not reside in the same city, much less the same school district. Phone calls cost too much to make every day, and I find that her connection to the Internet is limited. Goddess, how may I endeavor to free my friend from the clutches of the enemy, and let us converse with each other in peace?
- Kitsune from the USA
Did your dear friend live closer to you before your current problems? You say that she finds your methods of communication inconvenient, but if she were truly your friend, she would do so anyway. Your arrogance blinds you to what she is trying to say: she no longer wishes to be associated with you. It is time to admit that you have grown apart. Find a new friend, one who is more suited to your peculiar needs. I am sure that she has replaced you already. It would not be difficult.
Our great goddess Sen'il,
May I be lucky enough to ask your greatness a question? If yes, then my question would be: Why do the good guys always win? Shame on you bad guys!
- Marcus from Copenhagen, Denmark
No one likes to hear about losers. That is why you, slave, will never be remembered.
The history of the Goa'uld is full of stories of triumph and glory, but the Tau'ri know little of it because it does not fit into your selfish mindset to hear tales of your many defeats.
If you dare to doubt me, you can find proof on your own world. Read the history books of your nation, then read the books of a rival nation and see how the stories differ. I am assuming, of course, that you can read and that you are able to detect any differences. If I have over-estimated your abilities, find someone more intelligent than yourself and have them explain it all to you. Make sure they use small words.
Mighty Senil,
Surely you must revere and respect your master Lord Baal and I'm sure that serving him has been a great honour. However, as all Goa'uld are power-hungry, over-dressed ego-maniacs, why haven't you just done Baal in and taken his place? Obviously all that power must be tempting, especially since he controls the vast army of Anubis!
Or do you just prefer being a patsy that spends her time answering questions for the lowly humans of the Tau'ri -- who, might I add, have taken you guys down a peg or two! Thanks.
- Andy Baker from Guernsey, Channel Islands
Andy,
Have you always been suicidal, or is this a recent development? Your combative attitude reminds me of many who tried to oppose Lord Baal. They are all dead, now. I doubt that you will last much longer.
Being consumed by your own stupidity, it is not surprising that you should fail to understand my situation, just as you fail to understand Lord Baal. He did not rise to dominance over all the Goa'uld by fighting every piece of gutter trash who challenged him. He chooses his battles with care and he strikes down his enemies with unparalleled precision and ruthlessness. He has much to teach those who are willing to listen and one of the first lessons you learn is that it is healthier to be his ally than to be his opponent.
 Andy? Picture you. | |
I am content to serve my Lord Baal because of all that I can gain from him: knowledge, experience, prestige, power, as well as less tangible things that garbage such as you would not be able to understand. Serving Lord Baal will help me to achieve my goals.
Pray that you do not gain an enemy as petty as yourself, Andy. You may not be worthy of my wrath, but another may be less discerning and could decide to destroy you. I wish him luck.
My Dearest Goddess Sen'il,
I actually have two questions for you: First, let's say that my friend is currently dating the most popular guy in school. Now, I don't really like the guy, but I want to date him instead, as he is, after all, the most popular guy in school, and I want to be a cheerleader very much. What do you suggest I do?
Second, could you please try to avoid blowing up the S.G.C.? I wouldn't mind, ordinarily, but my dad is currently working on computer sims for N.O.R.A.D. (you know, the boys upstairs) and we just moved to Fort Carson, so I'd be a little upset if you did.
Your Doting Worshipper,
Caitie
- Caitie from Colorado Springs
I could tell you how to ensnare this elite male of yours or I could tell you how to destroy both his and your friend's reputations in order to secure your position, increase your status and discredit the two people most likely to present a threat to you. I could, but I see no reason why I should.
You are weak and indecisive. If you had either, you would already have risen to power and would not need to cry at me for help. You wish higher status? It will never happen. Even if you managed to achieve position as a leader of the cheer, you would still be a fool and those you led would know it. Weak leaders meet messy ends. Have you not heard of Ra? He was overthrown by his own slaves. Even they were astute enough to recognize that he was only a pretender. Take care that you do not find yourself in a similar position. Ra was not as pitiful as you and you would not last as long as he did.
Cheyenne Mountain will be destroyed first, but you will not have time to mourn the loss of your father as you and the rest of this miserable planet will soon be joining him in the afterlife.
|  This Tok'ra creature may instigate a Puff 'n Ruffle. |
Dear Goddess Sen'il,
I grovel at your feet and humbly seek your advice. My husband spends all of his time with his friends and totally ignores me. What should I do?
- Adoring from Louisiana
Purchase a more obedient creature to keep as your pet. Or is it your husband you wish to leash? I have heard that there are stores where you can obtain such equipment, if that is your desire, but be careful or he may be tempted to chew through the cord. Give him ample reason to stay at home and he will find your leash less constricting. Some day, you might not even need it.
Oh Glorious Sen'il,
I request that you honor me with your great wisdom and power. Some time ago, I loaned my sister and my mother some money. They had promised to repay me, yet have made no attempt to do so. Since they refuse, I feel I must take my due payment in another form. Could you instruct me in how to build a zat'ni'kitel, or perhaps a ribbon device that can be used by a human such as me? I humbly await your reply my Goddess Sen'il.
- Dan from Minnesota, Land of 10,000 Burning Cesspools of Fire
Dan,
You need no advanced weapon to claim what is yours. The use of any common weapon will serve as a valuable lesson to them and to all who would dare reneg on a debt.
Next time, I suggest you be more careful in your decisions. Do not loan money or resources to those beneath you unless they have something of equal or greater value to offer in trade. If there is nothing of value to be gained then there is no point in arranging a deal. Is this not true? Or is your head as soft as your heart?
Dear Sen'il,
I have a huge problem. A great friend of mine and I had decided not to go out because he was leaving in a year. Then, on Valentine's Day, he kissed me. Now I am confused. Was that just a fling or does he want to continue the relationship? I really don't want to because my work is taking up a lot of my time. What should I do?
- Confused from Chicago
Dear Confused,
Have you ever watched an animal marking its territory? That is what your great friend has done with you. His kiss is an attempt to claim you as his own without making any greater commitment to you than that. Has he made any declarations of love? Or does he still use his impending departure as an excuse to avoid furthering your relationship?
If you are good at your job, it will still be yours in a year's time. The same will not be true of your friend.
My goddess, Sen'il,
I was just wondering if we could ... um ... get together (wink wink) sometime?
- Nads from Nebraska
Some day, Nads, you will get together with the point of a sword wielded by one of my lesser warriors. That is as close as you will get to me and it is far more than you deserve.
One of my closest friends has just turned 47. I think she is having a major mid-life crisis and I have no idea what to do to help. She's developed an irrational fear of spoons, and she says the ghost of Elvis Presley haunts her in her sleep. Help me, supreme goddess Sen'il, to confront my friend because she won't listen to me. I really think that she needs help.
- Sue Perman from Ontario
 Please share this with your friend. | |
She is no longer capable of maintaining her own sanity? Then if you are truly her friend, you will destroy her. She would not wish to live in such a state and she is now a burden both to herself and to those around her. I have seen this happen with some of my older slaves. I had them killed and replaced with younger, more rational counterparts. I suggest you do the
same.
O Mighty Sen'il,
I come seeking your infinite wisdom. I have spent the past four years studying the works of the greatest Taur'i scholars of my time, but I am still no closer to answering my question: What purpose does all life serve in the galaxy? What is the meaning of life from a Goa'uld's perspective?
- Andrea from Ohio
Andrea,
Have the Tau'ri been unable to deduce something as simple and basic as the meaning of life? You are even greater fools than I had imagined.
If only a few of you manage to benefit from my wisdom, then I may be able increase the ranks of my loyal disciples here on Earth. This will be of use when my Lord Baal arrives, although I begin to wonder if I can endure the wait. Perhaps it is time for me to seek alternative forms of amusement in addition to this column. Until next time, my doting worshippers, I remain, as always, your one true goddess.
Submit to me!
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