 
AUGUST 2006
My captors have been gloating over their recent victories, presuming I will be disheartened by their news and that in my remorse I will let slip the secrets they are so desperate to learn. What they do not realize is that I am better informed on the situation than they are. While they continue to celebrate a lie, I remain in contact with one who shares my desire for conquest and who approves of my plans to defeat the Tau'ri.
If our alliance is uncovered it could jeopardize everything, so for now we allow Stargate Command to believe that they have won. It makes them careless and their defeat will be all the more pleasurable for their many follies.
Now, on to your inquisitive prattling ...
 Oh, man ... | |
How can I tell if a woman is born female?
- Jay in Singapore
Do you understand that woman and female mean the same thing? If you do not know how to identify someone as a woman, ask your mother. He may be better equipped to help you.
Great Goddess,
I have lost interest in pursuing my studies in college. If it is to your will, please tell me a method to motivate myself to study well so I may serve you better.
Your faithful servant,
- Lily Ayanami in Norman
Try another subject. If you need greater motivation, remember this: Your world will soon be destroyed and only those who have proven to be of use to me will be spared a violent death. Choose wisely and be diligent in your efforts or prepare to face extinction with the rest of your kind.
If that doesn't help, you are truly hopeless.
Oh Great Sen'il,
I have a problem. A boy of my acquaintance has recently developed a gigantic crush on me and it is really quite annoying. I am forbidden to tell him that I want him dead and I can not seem to find a working zat'ni'katel anywhere. Do you have any advice for me?
- Anonymous in California
If you are forbidden from telling him your feelings, find someone will do it for you. An impersonal touch to an intimate conversation should help communicate just how far beneath you he is. Should his pursuit continue, prove your desires by having someone make him disappear. He should get your point, then.
|  No promises, but glowing eyes might give it away. |
Hey Sen'il,
I think my boss is a Goa'uld! What should I do??
- Alice in the UK
Prove your usefulness. Leave offerings of food and other items of interest to your boss. Even a lowly human will appreciate the effort and if your boss is truly a Goa'uld he or she may be less inclined to kill you if they think you are resourceful.
Pray that you do not do your job too well or you could be perceived as a threat. If you feel a staff blast between your shoulders, you will know you have gone too far.
Dear Sen'il,
My career seems to have peaked at a dead-end desk job, and a number of recent personnel changes in the organization where I work have left me concerned about my own employment security.
Meanwhile, I know this other person -- let's call her 'Cindy' -- who's feeling trapped by our organization. She is very ambitious, yet has no future here and she knows it. She wants to return to her previous employer, but due to certain constraints, cannot do so at this time.
Recently I've been thinking about helping Cindy leave. However, if I do that, I'll probably generate a good deal of animosity within our organization and I'll have to leave with her. Therefore, I need to know: what should I expect in return for helping her and what guarantees would I receive?
Also, I'm thinking about remodeling my house and am collecting information on air conditioning and heating systems. So, just out of casual interest, is the ventilation duct in the room where you've being held large enough for an adult human to fit through?
Your Groveling Servant,
- Guy Chevron in Colorado Springs
Cindy may have plans of her own. Once you have confirmed that you will not be hindering her you can agree upon a time and an appropriate course of action. You seem bright and ambitious. I have little doubt that you will go far with her, far enough to escape the anger of your current employers.
I do not believe the vents in my room are large enough to permit passage, but if you are interested in further discussion you might try asking the men who guard my door at night. They get bored during the long, quiet hours when no one else is around and when they have only their coffee to keep them from falling asleep.
 Some games I could offer would be more damaging to your brother than others. | |
Sen'il-dono,
I have a brother who does nothing but play computer games all day long. I am at my wit's end as to how to motivate this brother to get off his sorry human behind and work with one of his many talents, or at least make some money with these games to buy more suitable presents for me. Do you have any suggestions?
- Sarah in Portland
Destroy all of his games and prevent him from finding more. He will be forced to create his own games. Once he has perfected them you can sell them to a company and use the profits to buy your own gifts.
Everywhere I look I see humans being herded like sheep. Should I take over them or lead them all into a trap?
- Me from Somewhere
What makes you believe you are not among the sheep? You are already being led into a trap; you have simply failed to notice.
Goddess Sen'il
I have written many times to ask you one question: I like this girl and I want to know how I can tell if she likes me.
- Unintelligible in Oklahoma
Ask her.
I have been floating in a vast nothingness for years and have been unable to get out. When I drifted across a computer I immediately started to write a lengthy letter to you but had to cut it down to this: In your all-powerful wisdom, PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO LEAVE THIS PLACE!!!!!!!
- Dead Rodent who is Lost in Space
You floated past a computer and did not seize the opportunity to reactivate internal gravity or even try opening the doors to the corridor? Lucky me. But how unfortunate for you. Maybe next time you will use your chance more wisely. Until then, practice your backstroke.
|  There are a handful of worlds I could name that you might find appealing. Unfortunately for you, none are not on my hit list. |
Yo Sen'il!
I'm thinking of moving to another city, maybe even another country. I've gotten into trouble here and it's turning into a real drag. Is there any place I can go that's more fun and where the people aren't so uptight?
- Cool Dude in an Uncool Place
There is nowhere for you to go on Earth. From what I have seen, everyone on this dirty little planet is "uptight." Your people spend great amounts of energy on enforcing restrictive rules and ruining the entertainment of others. I know the addresses of several worlds that would suit your needs and if you have access to a working Stargate we can arrange a deal. Otherwise, you are as trapped here as the rest of your brethren.
My Dear Goddess,
I have a problem with my noisy neighbors who occupy the apartment above mine. All day long the create noise by use of drills and other noisy, primitive devices. What can I do.
- An Unknown Person in an Unknown Place
There are many options available to you, but most of them carry risks that outweigh the benefits. The simplest solution is to soundproof your apartment. This will create a peaceful environment for you and will require a great deal of noise for your neighbors to enjoy.
Dear Sen'il,
My friend Rob has always been a little weird, but lately he's gotten completely paranoid. He's convinced he's being stalked by government agents or something and he keeps talking about how he "knows" something, but he won't tell me what it is because he's afraid that "They" will come after me, too.
 You're imagining it ... (Yes, I'm telling him right now!) ... You're imagining it.. | |
Anyway, I want to get him some help, but the funny thing is, I haven't seen him for a few days. He won't answer his door, his phone just keeps ringing and his boss says he hasn't been showing up to work. Should I be worried? I've also noticed a couple of guys who seem to be following me. Is that just a coincidence or what?
- Spooked in a Corner
Is the tracking device embedded in Rob no longer functioning? He should be more careful, those are expensive.
The next time someone tries to warn you of danger, listen to them. For now, it might be prudent of you to settle all of your accounts and cancel any plans for the future. Make sure that your tracking device is operational and if possible, confide in a friend who is more trusting than you have been.
Sen'il,
My hubby is a real Mama's boy. He never does anything without asking her first, he gets out of doing things by saying "My Mama wouldn't like that" and he's always comparing me to her. I've managed to deal with it so far, but every time it seems like I'm about to succeed in cutting the apron strings, something happens to make him go running back to her. Now she says she wants to move in! I can't stand it! What should I do?
- Desperate in Dallas
Your husband married the wrong woman. I think we both know that. Go out and find yourself a real man and leave your husband to seek solace in the arms of his mother. Everyone will be happy, including the law enforcement officials who imprison them for indecency.
Since my mission has been temporarily postponed, I will continue this charade of being advisor to the wretches of Earth, safe in the knowledge that I have dangerous allies and that my growing legion of followers includes those in key positions of power. Ask for my help while you still can; if your predicament amuses me enough, I may provide an answer. Pray to me that it is the right one.
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