JANUARY 2005
Greetings, wretched Tau'ri! I am Sen'il, exalted sovereign of Lord Baal and herald of your death. Over a hundred worlds once answered to me as their goddess. Thousands have died in loyal service to me and millions more tremble at the mention of my name. I could easily have crushed the pathetic SG team that stumbled into my palace, but instead I allowed myself to be captured so that I might serve as a spy for my Lord Baal.
This General O'Neill of yours feels that I should "earn my keep." So now, instead of you answering to me, it is I who must answer to you. I will accept any questions you may have about the sad little scamperings of your insignificant lives and will attempt to provide whatever advice I think your miniscule brains can comprehend. He says that I am to think of myself as the "Dear Abby" of the Goa'uld. I have been informed that this Dear Abby is powerful among your kind. If I must endure this humiliating treatment at least I have been granted a modicum of the respect I deserve.
When Lord Baal discovers my absence, he will come for me and he will raze your world as punishment for your impudence. Until then, you may submit your questions to me. Submit to Sen'il!
Where do Goa'uld do their shopping on other planets? All that crap has to come from somewhere, right?
Robin from Eugene, Oregon
We have a highly evolved and complex system for procuring goods. Our supplier network spans the galaxy. I was amazed to discover that Earth has a similar, although much more primitive system. I believe you call it "eBay."
Miss Senile,
Boxers or briefs? And what's up with those eyes?
Mr. Glinda from The Land Where All Does Stink
Glinda,
In my experience, boxing warriors are best for close combat and briefings are meant to be read by my underlings. My eyes are better than yours since they are able to distinguish the individual keys on this board and can guide my fingers so that they type everything in the correct sequence. Would an introduction to my boxers improve your eyesight or have you met some already? Perhaps that explains your weak mind. With spelling like yours I doubt you are unfamiliar with sudden blows to the head.
My Lord Sen'il,
I have a real problem with eating too much fast food. I know the higher System Lords typically crave raw Goa'uld, but I can't get my mind off of the double cheeseburger. Oh great one, what should I do to avoid the temptations of grease and dead cow? And what is good in the S.G.C. commissary nowadays?
Brian from New Hampshire
 Your best invention thus far. |  |
Dear Brian,
A fat slave is a dead slave. Only through healthy diet and rigorous exercise can you hope to live long enough to serve your god. How do you expect to show your servitude if you cannot bow at the middle or if you must struggle to rise from a kneeling position? How can you strike fear into lower menials if you become breathless every time you crack your whip?
Fresh fruit and vegetables and meat which comes from an animal, not a machine, are much better for you to eat. Avoid greasy, fattening foods. Offer them, instead, as a sacrifice to your god. If you have no god of your own, then you may send your "fast food" to me. Chocolate, as well, poses a serious risk to your health. I, Sen'il, am immune to such mortal concerns and it is purely out of interest in your survival that I am willing to make such a generous offer.
If you still find yourself in need of help, try picturing a primed staff weapon aimed at your head ready to fire should you stray from your improved diet. This should also work as motivation to get you to exercise. Nothing makes a slave run faster than the fear that he is about to be shot. Live each day as if it might be your last. If you fail to follow my instructions, it will be.
If you are successful in you endeavor, let me know. I am always pleased to add rugged individuals to my ranks and I am inclined to show particular favor to those capable of self-discipline. It saves me the trouble of having to do it myself.
I have discovered an intriguing substance which is available from the commissary. I do not know what it is called, but it is wriggly and colorful and the kitchen slave has been instructed to bring it to me with every meal.
Dear Se'nil,
I have a birthmark that covers most of my left cheek. I've spent 30 years living with it and accepting myself for who I am, but now that I've got some money in my savings account I'm thinking about laser surgery. I've been happy all my life even with the birthmark, so even though I'd rather it were gone would it be a waste of money?
Jennifer Perrot from Dublin
Dear Parrot,
Trying to achieve perfection is never a waste of money. Only those who look good will rise to true power. But you must ask yourself this: Would the surgery improve your appearance or would it simply remove the birthmark? If all it would do is get rid of a small part of your larger deformation, then I suggest you find another way to spend your savings. May I suggest building a small temple in honor of Lord Baal? He has been known to take pity on the defective.
Dear Sen'il,
I wanted to ask your advice about some problems I've been having lately with my girlfriend. It seems that we just can't agree on what to do on the weekends. I want to go to the movies and mow the lawn, and she just wants to shop and cuddle. How can we learn to get along?
Drew from New Jersey
Drew,
The most important lesson you can learn is that you should be grateful that any woman would consider you a potential mate. If she wants to shop, you shop. If she wants to cuddle, you cuddle. If she wants to chain you to a rock and leave you for the carrion birds then you will die knowing that you have made her happy. Remember that you live to serve her. She is your goddess because no one else will have you. Give thanks to her daily and do whatever she tells you to do, then you will be able to get along.
|  Need I say more? |
Sen'il,
Where do you guys get those wild outfits? And why?
Curious in California
Dear Curious,
Options are as varied as the Goa'uld themselves. I do not have the time to be troubled with such issues. I give a list of my requirements to my lo'taur and she finds everything for me ... or else. Lord Baal has an elite unit of personal tailors who travel with him at all times. It is their job to make sure he looks his godly best at all times. Then there are others, such as Bastet, who I can only assume dig through refuse bins or -- what is that phrase you have? "See what the cat drags in." How else do you explain her precious hat?
As for "why," if you have to ask then you wouldn't understand.
Hey Senile,
How do they treat you in Goa'uld jail? Do you get to watch TV or get decent meals?
Bob from Maryland
When my Lord Baal rescues me, I will make sure that you receive first-hand experience of what "life" is like in a Goa'uld jail. The lucky ones die first. Others have been known to suffer for years, gradually wasting away until they are nothing more than a pitiable, mindless human shell. Do you feel lucky, Bob?
Dear Sen'il,
I believe I am being exploited by my boss. My previous boss was excellent in every respect, but since he left I've found myself under a mountain of paperwork which he ought to be doing himself. I try to drop hints and I'm not even subtle, but he just smiles at me and tells me how efficient I am and leaves me to it.
The problem is that I really like and admire him, so I don't want to ask for a transfer. How can I stop him exploiting me?
W.D. from Admiresville
P.S. - What is your favorite type of potato?
Underling,
It sounds as if your new master has a better grasp on the fundamentals of management than your previous master did, even if he still has much to learn in disciplining his menials. A smile and a kind word? A staff blast or a severed finger is more effective and lasts longer. But that would be advice for him, not you. If you like and admire your boss then you will continue to do whatever task he sets before you. After all, your situation could be worse. If you were Baal's property then you would be intimately familiar with how it feels to be truly exploited.
P.S. Superior potatoes, of course.
Sen'il,
Have you tried the Goa'uld light machine on P4X-347 instead of sapping away the resources of our planet in jail at the S.G.C.?
Cynthia from St. Louis
 You know you want it. | |
Cynthia,
Unlike some of my brethren, I do not need cheap toys in order to find inner peace. I prefer ... other means of relaxation. However, since you seem to have an interest in the technology, I would be glad to see if I can arrange transport for you to the planet. One way.
My dearest Sen'il,
Thank you for taking time to bestow upon us your ultimate wisdom. I write with a plea to my goddess: My wife has a 4-year old son from a previous marriage named Devin, and several times a day all he does to me is viciously bite my hands, nose, and other exposed parts of my body. Great Sen'il, what is the best way to get rid of Devin for good?
Mastermind from Toronto
My dear Mastermind,
Have you considered donating the creature to a shelter for animals? No, I am sure that someone as smart as you has already considered or even tried that tactic without success.
Getting rid of this other man's spawn may cause more trouble than it is worth. Human mothers tend to be protective of their young. If the monster vanishes under unusual circumstances, take steps to insure that you are not the next to disappear. Before your plans become too elaborate, try accepting the spawn. Even if it has no effect on the spawn itsef, its mother, if she is truly wothy of you, should show you appreciation. If your attempts are good enough you may even procreate yourself. This will make any future efforts of manipulation or even elimination much easier.
Learn the monster's schedule. If there are specific times during the day when it attacks, make sure that it is with its mother at those times. If this is not possible, then try finding something else for it to bite. In my experience, large bones or small dogs work best.
See if you can find some common ground with it. Find something it likes. Try to learn its language. Make it think you are on its side. Let it use its teeth for you instead of against you. With proper training and motivation, it could develop into a powerful weapon against your enemies.
If none of this works then you must decide if you wish to continue your life with this female. Someone with your intelligence, skill, and good looks can have your choice of mates, ones who are not burdened with cannibalistic young.
However, if you are determined that she is the only one for you, contact me again and perhaps we can work out an arrangement for permanent disposal.
Your goddess,
Sen'il
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