JANUARY 2006
I find that I must waste valuable space in my column in order to address an issue which is apparently too complex for your small minds to comprehend. As low as my opinion of the Tau'ri is, even I had not thought it necessary to explain that I have a host, but from what I have seen on the forums, it would seem that I have overestimated your intelligence. I will not make such a mistake again.
If any good has come of this misunderstanding, it is that Stargate Command has finally relented and will allow these people to publish a likeness of my host. It can only approximate what I look like because, of course, my beauty is overwhelming and would leave my audience incapacitated with awe. Even the image of my true self has been altered beyond recognition. They claim that it is a security measure, but I know the truth: to see me is to love me. They fear that I would gain total domination of this world. Fools. They only delay the inevitable.
Great Goddess Sen'il,
I am in need of your advice. I have recently obtained information leading me to believe that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me while we were dating last year. I do not wish to kill him, but instead I would like to make him suffer for being unfaithful. What sort of punishment would you suggest I use?
- Seeking Revenge from New York
Why do you still care? You left him, so his actions should no longer affect you, especially if they are long past. Losing you should have been punishment enough. If it is not then he is likely too stupid for any revenge to be effective. Save your resources for a more worthy target.
 Don't worry ... It's all a dream ... |  |
Dear Miss Sen'il,
I have recently been abducted by aliens and returned a day later. Even though I cannot remember much of the experience, it was horrifying to say the least. Last night I woke up to find my room all lit up and when I looked on my clock-radio I realised it was still the middle of the night. That is when I realised that I can see in the dark. Should I let someone know what has happened, or should I become a crime-fighting superhero?
Your help as our resident alien will be appreciated.
- Jack (no, not O'Neill) from Germany
Jack,
If what you said was true then you would have been blinded by your clock radio. Since you still retain your sight, I can only conclude that you were the victim of a nightmare. I advise you to roll over and go back to sleep and in the future, try to avoid eating before you go to bed.
I am having problems with my schoolmates, who constantly taunt me and call me a woman. Do you have any advice on how to deal with them?
- Sam from The Land Down Under
Am I to understand that you are not a woman? Are your associates aware of this? If you are in the habit of wearing dresses, skirts, or other items of clothing which are traditionally associated with females then you may wish to consider purchasing a new and more masculine wardrobe.
Long hair can also be a source of gender confusion; try a shorter style. Beards and moustaches, while they are not a fail-proof method of identification, can also help. On the right person, a goatee can also look most distinguished.
Exercise is a good way to reduce flab and build muscle. Once you are strong enough you will be able to strike down your enemies and punish them for their taunts. They will never mistake you for a woman again.
|  There are many ways to bring a Jaffa into line. Some more effective than others. |
My Goddess,
I am having trouble with one of my underlings. I train and I train him, yet he refuses to conform to the standards I set before him. I have tried more firm training methods but was berated by my superiors for being too hard on him. So my question is: How do I deal with an unwilling subject? How do you handle your Jaffa when they either refuse or simply do not have the mental capacity to follow your instructions?
Your fellow in combat,
- Pleiades from Planet Earth (most of the time)
If I have a recalcitrant Jaffa or one who is untrainable, I arrange for him to be in a situation where he will meet with a fatal accident. If he is a particular nuisance, I offer him as a gift to an enemy. Either way, he ceases to be my problem.
Great Sen'il,
I have recently had trouble with a male of my kind. I was at first attracted to him and sent many signals of this attraction but now I realize that I see him as a mere brother. Now he follows me like a puppy dog ... and I hate dogs. What should I do?
- Taco from New Mexico
Taco,
Your kind disgusts me. You want something, you get it, and then you no longer want it. If I help you to discard this male, next month you will only ask me to retrieve him for you. I have far better ways to spend my time than by trying to keep up with your erratic moods. Learn how to commit to a decision and the answer should reveal itself.
Greetings, Goddess Sen'il!
Everyone requires a partner if they are to succeed in life, be they a Pharaoh who rules millions, or an IT Manager who commands a mere few hundred. My question is this: I have met the perfect woman. She is beautiful, friendly, and supportive, yet she feels that her gods want her to remain single. Should I continue my attempts to woo her?
- Andrew Dent from Gateshead, UK
Andrew, if she does not want you then she is not perfect for you. Broaden your horizons, literally and figuratively. Find someone who cares.
 Behold, the smallest violin. | |
I have submitted many questions, all of which have been completely ignored. So I will try again. I wish to form an alliance with Baal so the Ori can be destroyed and we all go back to the old fights that have been going on for the past eight years. Tell me Baal's location (since you're his loyal servant) and I will get you out of the S.G.C. to join him (I have connections in the higher planes).
Good Luck,
- Belinda (A.K.A. Assassin) from Dallas, TX
Dear Assassin,
If you ask a good question, I will answer it. Keep trying.
Most beloved Sen'il,
My sister dresses in dark clothes and wears heavy pale powder, plum lipstick, and eyeliner (no doubt to honor you in your greatness). Unfortunately, whenever she goes out to visit with friends they always try to "change" her back to her "old" ways of dressing like a fresh-faced farm girl. Oh, great Sen'il, do you have any advice on what course of action we should take?
- Sandy from California
I have better fashion sense than to dress myself as a corpse, but if your sister prefers that attire, none should be allowed to contest it. Help her to find new friends who are more tolerant of her particular fetish and who may even be dead, themselves. Her current farm girl friends should be left to wallow in the manure where they belong.
Dear Sen'il,
Things are going very well for me and my small army in service of Lord Baal. We plan to attack the jocks in my school in just two weeks, but there is a small problem. My army of Jaffa continually argue amongst themselves and sometimes start fights because they all worshipped different gods and now they serve Baal. I don't know if I can keep this army together any longer. Please, oh dear goddess Sen'il, tell me what I must do?
- Shaggy from Theodore
Shaggy,
Your Jaffa are more intelligent than you are. They understand the futility of your chosen task far better than you do. If you were any good, you would be able to discipline them and instill the fear of Baal into them no matter how outrageous your scheme was. Unfortunately, you are not that good, as your Jaffa have already discovered. You are unfit for command. Baal does not want you or your band of rejects. Offer your services to Nerus instead. He is far less choosy.
|  Perhaps Danny boy needs out of the fire. |
Why is Daniel so hot?
- Katie from Nowhere To Be Found
Perhaps he has caught a dreadful disease and will soon expire, sparing the rest of the universe his useless rhetoric.
We are hoping that you may bless our cricket team with super powers to defeat the other sporting nations of the world, just like we crushed the unworthy team from Australia. Please could you arrange it for one of your disciples to publish nude pictures of the England Cricket Team so that the female fans can use it to shame their domestic male acolytes?
- Mrs. E Norma Stitz, first handmaiden to Hathor from The Blessed United Kingdom, home of the Ancients
Handmaiden,
You want a team comprised of insects to conquer entire nations? And you believe that pictures of these animals would shame human males? Insanity spreads fast among your kind. Try human warriors, they are much more effective and far less likely to be stepped on.
Hi Sen'il!
Just have to say that you're an uber-awesome Goa'uld for answering Tau'ri questions! I am currently taking American 20th Century History and I'm doing HORRIBLE! Do you have any ideas for improving my current grade? I was thinking of getting a little Goa'uld of my own. But do you think that's a little drastic?
- Gairwyn from Milwaukee
Gairwyn,
I see that history is not the only subject you are failing. While a symbiote would gift you with the vast knowledge of the Goa'uld and make known to you the secrets of the universe, it would do little to help you with American history. And I doubt that any but the most desperate would consider you as a host.
The Goa'uld have far greater concerns than the happenings in some pathetic nation of rebels. If you had any sense at all, you would know that your own concerns should lie with the future, not the past. It will not be long before you and your entire planet are nothing more than a footnote in the history of the universe.
I have a problem. I am serving two masters, one at work and one at home. Who should I listen to?
- Kimberly from Virginia
Kill both of your masters and listen only to yourself.
 So five minutes ago. Wait. Five years ago. | |
Dear Sen'il
I am in love with my boss and don't know what to do about it. He's a distinguished older man, but you know what they say about "fishing off of the company pier." Please give me your advice.
- Sam from Colorado, USA
Your species is woefully short-lived and you, Sam, will soon die. But the advanced age of your leader insures that he will die far sooner. If love is important to you, find someone younger so that you may spend as much of your brief lives together as possible.
Great Sen'il,
I must ask what I have done to anger you, most powerful one. My village appears to be cursed. The ratio of females to males is far too high, and all the males here have proven deeply deficient, even for those of the Tau'ri. I fear that the current gene pool will only provide potential hosts that are far too idiotic and unpleasing to the eye for your magnificent offspring. What (or whom) must I sacrifice for you to bless this village with males that would prove acceptable mates?
- SciFiDVM from GainesHell, Florida
Why should I care about an insignificant village? If its people are as deficient as you claim, then it is of no use to me and will be burned to the ground when I rise to power. Find another village or enjoy what you have while it lasts.
I have been encouraged to remind you that if you want me to consider your questions for publication, they must be about you. I know how fascinating I am and it is only right that I be the focus of your curiosity, but my purpose here is to help you resolve the issues of your sad little lives. You know that I am a goddess and that I deserve your idolatry, and that is all you need to know about me.
Now, submit to me!
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