MAY 2005
Judging from the letters I have received, it would seem that very few of you are capable of independent thought. There are hundreds of requests for my help and most of them fall into one of two categories: domination or revenge. Even the few moaning about love are only seeking another form of control. It bores me. I would almost prefer to be interrogated again. The questions are just as repetitive, but at least the scenery changes.
In fact, there was quite a change of scenery not long ago as I was dragged from my tiny cell and stuffed into an even tinier armored vehicle. The guards were particularly rude and refused to acknowledge my demands for an explanation. We left the mountain at great speed and at first I had hopes that the fool O'Neill had finally decided to release me, but before I was even allowed a glimpse of your barbarous world I found myself returned to my stark accommodations. It would seem that an attack took place. It is a shame that I could not join forces with the intruders. With me at their lead, victory would have been assured.
It took much effort on my part, and the interruption to my regimen did not help, but I finally managed to gather a few questions which showed a dim glimmer of originality, or which were so painfully common I felt compelled to answer them just to remove them from my sight.
I hear that you have a saying which involves primates and keyboards. It is an apt description of this situation. Please, do continue to bang away at your little keys. You have, on occasion, managed to amuse me, although I doubt it was your intention to do so. Try to remember that I am a goddess. There is much that I could tell you, if only you would ask the right questions.
Try harder next time, monkeys.
Dear Sen'il,
How's life in human prison? What do you do for fun? I assume that you have a TV in your cell, so do you watch Star Trek or have any favourite shows? How's the food there? And do you get any visitors besides interrogators?
- Observer from Toronto
I am confined to a single, drafty room. It is smaller than my least favorite closet and it remains cold despite my many complaints. The walls are too plain and they do not shield me from the constant noise of this mountain pit. I am surrounded by pictures of your ridiculous flying machines, none of which could withstand a single strike from my death gliders. The furnishings are of inferior design and break too easily. I am told that this is because they were not meant to be thrown against the walls, but I know that it is because these cheap toys, like so much else here, were not meant for a goddess such as me.
 Your worst invention thus far. |  |
I have no use for the chattering, animated box you call "television." The news reports speak daily of your stupidity and your ideas of entertainment only prove it. There is only one program that I find to be tolerable. Although I have yet to understand why anyone would want to worship the inflated fool called Trump, some of his underlings display occasional moments of resourcefulness. There is potential in some of them to do well. I may choose to recruit a few of them before my Lord Baal destroys this world.
My loyal Sen'il,
I shall bring the full force of my wrath down upon the Tau'ri for the humiliation they have put you through. Currently I have 12 motherships filled with my greatest warriors headed for Earth; there is no way they can stop me gaining my vengeance. Also, since you are performing this duty for the Tau'ri, I have need of your opinion: Should I remain wearing my usual garment or should I change it for something more practical?
- Baal, the new Supreme System Lord
My Lord Baal, you honor me with your question. I confess that I am not as aware of current fashions as I should be, but I will answer to the best of my ability.
I have always admired your traditional long coat with the embroidered sleeves and silver fastenings. It is a great complement to your status as Supreme System Lord. In addition, if it is not too bold of me, I would suggest that you allow your tailors to continue exploring the uses of black leather. It is an inspiring material and would do much to enhance your already magnificent physique.
I know that whatever you choose to wear, it will strike awe and fear into all who survey your divine countenance. I await your arrival.
Where does a Goa'uld go when you die? Is there a System Lord Heaven, and does it involve the enslavement of all beings for eternity?
- Kazo Jahil from Wrexham, U.K.
Idiot!
Gods do not die. We may enter the realm of the dead to greet a particularly loyal subject or to punish a traitor, but we need not stay there.
I have heard the stories that the Tau'ri on this base spread about killing gods. They lie. What they do is kill the host, allowing the essence of the god to escape. They murder innocent lives and congratulate themselves, unaware of the laughter of the gods.
There have been a few, as well, who were not true gods. They were weak and foolish and of little concern to us, but they encountered the Tau'ri and paid the price for their audacity.
|  Like vegetating? Have a look at this immaculate specimen, and think again. |
Hello, Lord Sen'il,
I am honored that you would take time to answer the questions of a lowly human such as
myself.
I have a problem. See, I'm pretty overweight and my mom keeps nagging at me to go do some exercise at the university's gym. But I don't like sports! Besides, I don't really mind the extra poundage. What should I do to get my mom of my back?
Thank you for sharing your infinite wisdom with us.
- Chrissy from Canada
Chrissy,
If you wish to succeed, you must be beautiful. In your case, the most you can hope for is to be thinner. If your own mother thinks that you are overweight, how do you think the rest of this world will react? You may like your fat, but those around you do not. Wobbling flesh is repulsive to the eye. Exercise or be prepared to never leave your home.
Hi there, Sen'il -- or can I call you Goa'untie? Can I just ask, when you're in your natural form and not sucking the life out of a good looking human, do you fancy eels, snakes, worms, or maggots as a date/partner? Just asking, as when you meet another Goa'uld do you look at the wrapper it's in or the inner beauty? (I use that word in a sarcastic way, of course.) Just curious.
- Lee of the Tau'ri (who kicked your butt)
Judging from your letter, Lee, you must be a very lonely and frustrated individual. Something tells me that charm is not all that you lack.
How I choose my mates is not the issue; how you can fail to find one for yourself should be of greater concern. Would you like me to explain why you are alone? You are a fool. You show no understanding of the world around you. You can not get even the most basic facts correct. Your communication skills are dreadful. It amazes me that you survived infancy, but maybe you have not yet achieved that goal. Some species eat their young for good reason. It is a pity that the creatures which spawned you were not one of them. It would seem that you would be more at home among worms and maggots than I would, but I doubt that even they could learn to love you.
Enjoy your life of solitude.
Dear Exalted One:
My ex husband owes me $20,000 in back child support. Our government has tried for years to take it from him forcefully, but he keeps slipping away. As sovereign of Lord Baal, I know you must be well-versed in making people compliant. What can a mere mortal such as myself do without benefit of a Goa'uld hand device or zat'ni'katel?
- Jo from Virginia Beach, Virginia
Dear Jo,
If you were not intelligent enough to recognize your husband was useless before you wed him, it seems unlikely that you would be able to do what is necessary to fix the problem. Fortunately for you, there are alternatives. I am not surprised that you have failed to see the solution for yourself.
This world may not have ashraks available, but I am sure that for the right price you could find someone to remove your husband for you. It is obvious that he has no intention of paying his debt. You would do better to plead your case with the courts after he is gone. Since you are stupid and since you have managed to involve at least one child in your problems, there is a good chance that the officials will take pity on you.
If you have any sense at all, make sure that this worthless husband of yours has items of value before you have him killed. It would be embarrassing if the only thing you inherited was his debt.
Dear Sen'il,
I was wondering if you would give me some advice on our football team coach. He's new, and makes us run a lot (too much, in fact). Is there a way we can get rid of him, or even make him do the running, without resorting to violence? Or if violence is the only way ...
- Anonymous from Australia
Is football a type of sport? Does sport not imply exercise? How is it that you can complain about being made to exercise when that is precisely why one plays sports?
 "Play dead," a training game becoming increasingly popular amongst the Jaffa. | |
I do not know this football of yours, but my Jaffa are fond of many training games. And if any of them dared to say that they were not capable of performing the required tasks, they would be put to death. There is no place for weaklings in my command. Give thanks to your god that you are on a world that is almost as lazy as you are. Since you are too dull to exercise, you may wish to consider a career as a scribe, instead. Or is lifting a pen still too strenuous for you? There are those on every world who will pay large sums for dead bodies. With your sluggish behavior, you may be able to fool some of them.
My boyfriend recently dumped me; it was his first gay relationship but my third. He says we might be able to get back together and that he just needs time. (It has nothing to do with someone else 20 minutes away asking him on a date; I live 2 hours away.) What's really got to me is how easily he's gone from loving boyfriend to friend, like we'd never happened! I'm finding it hard to go back, but I promised we'd stay friends. Do you no anyway I might find it easier to go back?
Secondly, how do the System Lords and other Goa'uld feel about gay relationships?
- Lord Tanais Rahn from the Temple of Anubis
Lord Tanais,
Your friend is to be commended. His strategy is classic and one that the Goa'uld have always known: love is just another form of power.
By claiming uncertainty he places himself in control of you both. He dominates the relationship. He makes all the decisions for you both. You are at his mercy. While you wait, pathetic and alone, he is free to pursue as many relationships as he wants, knowing that should they fail, you will still be there for him like a whipped beast. You must take pleasure in your own emotional suffering. In your position, I would kill him and be done with it.
Unlike you humans, the Goa'uld are not limited by issues of gender. Some prefer male, others prefer female, and many like to experiment. We choose the host who best suits our needs. If this confuses lesser mortals, it is hardly our concern. As for those who are intimate with their gods, they are blessed and have no right to question their lord's actions. Accept the honor or be cast back into oblivion.
Dear Sen'il,
You may have been asked this question many times by the brilliant and intelligent General O'Neill, but I am truly curious. Why are the Goa'uld so evil? Were you all just born evil or did something happen to your original ancestors that made them -- and all of their offspring henceforth -- evil?
- Serena from New York, New York
Dear Serena,
You must know a different General O'Neill. The one I have met is neither brilliant nor intelligent, but even he would not bother me with such a ridiculous question.
I have been reading some of the history of this world. Your people are experienced at committing atrocities, some of which even we Goa'uld would not have imagined. I am sure that Lord Baal will be most interested in my report. The creativity and depth of your hatred for each other is almost impressive, and you must have a great capacity for denial if you can know even a fraction of your history -- and still maintain that it is the Goa'uld who are evil.
Mighty Senil,
What is your opinion on the Jack/Sam shipper issue? Are they destined for love or just friendship?
- Becky from Columbia, Missouri
Dear Becky,
|  What issue? |
If you want me to answer your questions, you must learn how to communicate. What is a shipper issue? I can only assume that Jack/Sam refers to General Jack O'Neill and Lt. Col. Samantha Carter. If I am wrong, it is because of your own failure.
Jack and Sam, as you call them, are destined only for death. However, I am intrigued by the implications of your query. Destined for love? Does this mean that their relationship is intimate? Interesting. I can use this to my advantage. Thank you for bringing the matter to my attention.
Oh great, immortal, powerful goddess,
Can a person rise to greatness without having a symbiote? Humbly, loyally, worshipfully, and lovingly submitted,
- Daniel from Colorado
My Dear Daniel,
How many times must I tell you that I will have no part in your mad quest for galactic domination? You shower me with compliments, and then threaten to remove me from my host when I refuse your demands. You swear allegiance to me, you say that you love me, you even promise to make offerings to Lord Baal. But in the next breath you speak of torture, death and the doom of the Goa'uld. Your words mean nothing to me. The help you need is not the kind you seek, and it is not something I can provide for you here.
Kree Sen'il!
Who is your favourite Tau'ri? I know you Goa'uld have a funny taste in hosts and I was just wondering.
And I wanted to tell you: Kel'mak of the Tok'ra says "Hi."
- Hanmer from Brighton, U.K.
 My loyal servent, unawares | |
I can tolerate very few people on this base. O'Neill may command the respect of many, but he commands only my contempt. He is a fool and proves it every time we meet. Daniel Jackson is disturbed and seeks to separate me from my host. Once I have separated his head from his shoulders, his complaints will cease. Carter and the shol'vah have both been avoiding me. I am not surprised. They are nothing but cowards and when the moment is right, they will die a coward's death.
There is a tall man with glasses who is sent when things break. His knowledge of the base and its inhabitants is vast. I encourage him to speak and have learned far more than he realizes. I believe he will be a most powerful ally when the time comes to make my move.
I am glad that our spy among the Tok'ra remains safe. All is going according to plan.
Hi Sen'il!
I come to you with an employment offer. I have recently read a paper which talks about how snakes can be trained to dig underground in potato fields and eat pests while leaving the potatoes. How do you feel about a change in job?
- Potato Farmer
Small Potato Farmer,
The only pests I have seen on this world live above the ground. Although I am not inclined to eat any of them, I will do everything in my power to eradicate them all. For now, the potatoes will have to fend for themselves. If they have survived this long under the care of vermin, I am sure they can last a while longer.
Dear Sen'il,
This lowly scribe has just downloaded a report to the Tau'ri Internet about a recent magnificent manifestation of yours -- errr, that time you shared the apology platter of sashimi with Goldie while both enjoying a mutual gloat at the expense of certain beings. Would you deem to visit and review "Barking Mad" at Sassy Gate?
- Neith from Sydney, Australia
Neith,
It is difficult for me to determine if you are on drugs or if you are in need of them.
I know of no manifestations and I have never before heard of sashimi or Goldie. Most likely they are only examples of your dementia and bear no meaning in the real world. Your hallucinations are of no interest to me, but I know your world has healers who specialize in diseases of the mind. While I doubt that anyone could help you achieve full sanity, they might be able to put some of your fractured personality together. Seek their help. Soon.
Thus ends the current issue of my column. If you demand faster answers to your questions, complain to David. That is his job, and I am not interested in hearing about it. Continue to send me the outpourings of your feeble minds and I will continue to provide you with the best advice in the universe. It is an unfair arrangement for me, but you will all benefit greatly from it. Until next time, this is your goddess, Sen'il, commanding you to use your monkey brains and submit to me!
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