 
OCTOBER 2005
For a society that places such great value on information, your network's security is woefully lax. If I were in contact with my Lord Baal, I know that he would be most pleased by my discoveries. There is much here for him to exploit and I, too, am reaping the benefits of this plague of ignorance.
After my last column, I placed a new plan into action, the ramifications of which will shake this planet to its core. Most of you will remain unaware of my connivery until it is too late; a select few will know exactly what I am doing but will be powerless to stop me. Even now the "great" military minds of your country are scrutinizing these lines for clues. They are doomed to fail and no amount of threats will sway me from my purpose.
During those times when my attention was not required to oversee your impending destruction, I extracted what few granules of sapience I could find amid the flood of jabbering and did my best to instill some sanity into the chaos. I can only hope that my efforts have not been wasted.
Oh, wonderful (Yeah right!) Sen'il:
I have come seeking your (supposedly) wisdom-filled advice. Since you seem to be so content with your inspiring career -- being a lowly captive of your enemy in return for Lord Baal's (who I might add, has been defeated by the supposed lowly Tau'ri, and more than likely hasn't given you a second thought since he sent you off on this wacky suicidal mission of yours) highly-desired (only by you) devotion -- it seems only natural that you would be the perfect person/snake to give me a bit of career advice. I can't decide: which course should I do at University next year?
Many thanks, hope you carry on enjoying your life imprisonment!
- Becks from Cottingham, UK
Dear Becks,
Despite your deplorable lack of courtesy, it is reassuring to see that you retain enough intelligence (albeit on a rudimentary, almost instinctual level) to choose me as your advisor.
Do you have any skills or interests (beyond banging at that keyboard in hopes of forming coherent sentences)? Or is your existence more parenthetical?
 Have you considered looking into a career in the food service industry? | |
With someone of more far-reaching capabilities (or any at all; even the Jell-O I had for lunch is more expansive) I might suggest testing your limits to see how far you can go. (If you are standing at the top of a mountain when this happens, I imagine you would go quite far and have a lasting impact.) But in your case, my advice (which even you admit is superior) is to stick to what little you know. Have you considered a stimulating and uncomplicated career in the food service industry? Kitchen slaves always seem to be in short supply (particularly here at Stargate Command). There are many (desperate) places that are always eager to hire good (or merely living) help.
To Sen'il,
My brother is an idiot. He is also a very strong idiot. In fact, he's so strong an idiot that I can't fight back. If I punch him, he laughs and leaves me limping for the rest of the week. How do I fight back?
- Andy from a classified location
Andy,
If you fear to get within striking distance of him, try a staff weapon or Tau'ri projectile weapon. Soon you will be the one who is laughing.
Dear Sen'il,
I am looking for work and am having a hard time finding a good job. Do you have any ideas where a human can get a good job? I would even try having a snake in my head if the pay was good.
- Damien Butler from Olympia, Washington
My dear Damien,
Do the people of this world still hire live targets? Payment is usually substantial and your beneficiaries would be most grateful.
|  No primitive mating rituals -- an advantage to being an asexual being ... |
Oh, intelligent Sen'il ...
Perhaps with your superior knowledge you can help me with a situation that I believe I am a helpless victim in. My close friend from a long time has a power-hungry girlfriend who is not happy unless he is doting upon her every need. He has just admitted to me that he has actually been in love with me for a long time, but he is too afraid to break up with his controlling girlfriend because she has a gun and has threatened him with it on many occasions, and will without doubt shoot him if he does. She has also heard of me and "wishes to meet me someday," and I know I am not on her good list. Is there anything I can, or should, do? Please help me before something terrible happens!
- Vickie from Midgard
Dear Vickie,
Your "close friend" sounds very weak if he is willing to be intimidated by such laughable tactics. How certain are you that his claims of love are genuine and not an attempt to find someone to protect him from his girlfriend? Or it could be that all of it is an act and he is attempting to slake his bloodthirsty nature by deliberately pitting you against his violent girlfriend? Choose your actions with care. If you decide that he really loves you and that you love him in return, I suggest buying a bigger gun and having better reflexes.
Hi, future overlord of the Earth (I cannot wait!),
I need some help on revenge, as two mates gave me very bad advice and cost me big time. Now, I have lost the goddess to another lord. Plus you must know a thing or two about revenge, so do you have any ideas (the more painful the better)? Cheers!
- Tau'ri from Earth
Greetings, Tau'ri,
What goddess is this that you could lose her so easily? If she can be persuaded from your side once, she can be persuaded again. I know many excellent revenge tactics, but if you have to use them all in order to keep her, then she may not be the one for you.
There is also a good chance that you simply do not deserve a goddess such as she. Next time, set your goals lower. I know of someone considering a career in food service who might be a more suitable match.
 A shame you do not have a Jaffa laying around. | |
A boy at school is picking on me. What should I do?
- Sarah from School
Dear Sarah,
Break his jaw. Then he won't be able to cry for help when you continue to beat upon him in the following weeks. By the time his jaw is healed and he is able to manage speech again, he will have learned the consequences of picking on you. If he is particularly slow, it may take several tries before the lesson penetrates deep enough to stick and by then he may not be able to speak coherently anymore, anyway.
Greetings servant of Baal,
I have detected a transmission coming from your cell in the S.G.C., and destroyed its source by means of a feedback pulse. If this was a violation of the Protected Planets Treaty, then you should be aware that I have the right to destroy the fleets of Baal as penance. Do you have another explanation for this?
- The Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet, from Earth orbit
Supreme Commander,
I had been wondering why my last meeting with my editors ended so abruptly. Shall I have them contact you to discuss reparations?
Next time, I suggest you use that advanced technology and "evolved" brain of yours to check the termination point of the transmission before you attempt to destroy it. The resources of the Tau'ri are limited and such devices are not easily replaced. It has made our meetings even more inconvenient than usual. Perhaps you would be willing to part with some of your own communication devices as an apology. That way you would be able to oversee all of the transmissions.
Dearest Sen'il,
I've been told that I am the spawn of Satan. I don't know why, all I do is super glue people's butts to chairs and shave their heads while they are asleep. Oh, and I can't forget the time that I put Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, and super glued all the caps to all the pens, then super glued all the pencils to all of the desks, and that time I painted my friend blue. Anyway, I don't think that I am evil. But then, what is my opinion compared to the opinion of someone so beautiful and wise such as the great Sen'il?
|  You have his eyes. |
- Kelley from Georgia
Kelley,
I know nothing of your parentage, but it sounds to me as if you are someone who has trouble letting go. Be careful that you do not find yourself in a sticky situation from which you cannot escape.
Childish pranks are hardly a mark of evil. If people are not dying then you need to try harder. There is potential in you if only you learn to start taking things apart rather than trying to hold them together. Start by procuring a book on explosives.
I was wondering, what is the best way to punish a slave who has tried to start an
uprising?
- Ness from the Scottish Highlands
Ness,
I am sure that many would say that the only true punishment is death, but in my experience, allowing a shol'vah to live can be much more entertaining.
There are a wide variety of drugs available which will inhibit free thought or which are so addictive that the slave will be forced to obey your commands or risk being cut off from his only supply. While this can be an effective short-term solution, there are often unpleasant side effects, the best of which is a slow and painful death.
I have found psychological torture and mental programming to be far more effective. Not only is the conditioning an excellent deterrent to other possible rebellions, but if done properly you will soon have a devoted servant who is still able to think. This can be important if your security is ever breached. A drugged slave is apt to tell an intruder everything he wishes to know. A conditioned slave will do anything it takes to protect you, even if it means sacrificing his own life. The irony will make his death sweeter.
I will leave it up to you to decide which method works best for your situation. Good
luck.
Kree!
I am being sucked into a black hole! What do you advise?
- Freakshow from P3W-451
 See you on the other side. | |
Freakshow,
Reflect upon the many failures in your life and consider the follies of entering into a situation when you do not possess all of the facts. Good intelligence can mean the difference between life and death and you will have a long, long time to learn just how crushing your defeat was.
Sen'il,
I really like this guy and I've tried to drop hints about how I feel, but I don't think he gets it. How can I get him to notice me?
- Invisible from Somewhere Else
Dear Invisible,
Stand in front of him. Unless he is stupid, he will have to stop and look at you. Once you make eye contact, kiss him. He may not be able to understand your hints, but a kiss should be obvious enough that he cannot ignore it.
If that does not work or if you prefer to try another method, have him stunned and placed in a holding cell. This will give you all the time you need to refine your methods. Develop a system of rewards and punishments and make it clear to him that his life is dependent upon you. You will be able to use him whenever you choose and ignore him if it becomes inconvenient. If you are particularly skilled, he may even learn to love you. I find that it is mostly a matter of finding the proper incentives and of insuring that the rewards are lavish enough for him to feel them worth his cooperation.
Sen'il!
I am under attack by the teachers of my school! They use weapons known as homework and projects to raise my stress levels to overload! They have also taken me away from my paradise known as "summer vacation." I wish I had Alkesh to strike back at them with explosive power!
- Ice Falcon from California
Dear Ice Falcon,
Did you have a question for me or were you merely seeking to bore me with proof of your ineptitude?
It seems to me that it is the teachers who are in greater danger. It is their job to do everything they can to make you smarter. It will undoubtedly prove to be a long and ultimately futile project.
|  You may benefit from learning the fate of the Tollan. |
Great goddess Sen'il,
Sorry to bother you, but I've got a little problem. There are a lot of people in school that dare mock me because they won't even get close to my grades, nor to my intellect. What would you, great Goa'uld that you are, do with such fools?
Regards,
- Clueless girl from a clueless place
Clueless,
If you possess the intellect you claim, then you should have a clue about what to do to your peers.
Help!
My cat is really sick! I know where there's an unguarded sarcophagus, but I'd have to sneak Pharaoh off-world in order to use it. Sarcophaguses are supposed to heal everything, but will it work on an Abyssinian? PLEASE!
- Melany from Home
Melany,
Instead of using the device to enrich and lengthen your own life, you would waste it on a small, unintelligent beast? The human capacity for puerile behavior is truly unending.
I have stopped being surprised at the banal nature of your inquiries and I no longer dare to wonder how far you will sink, because I do not wish to learn the answer. I will add a warning that the secrets of the Goa'uld are not intended for minds as undeveloped as yours. If you think that I will tolerate questions of a personal nature, you are dangerously mistaken. Submit to me while you still can and I may yet grant mercy upon you.
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